From Wanting to Die to Coming Alive

About a year and and a half ago, I reached the highest weight of my life: 300 lbs. I was miserable. I'd been fighting with my insurance to get top surgery for 3 years at that point, and it still seemed impossible. I hated my body and could barely stomach walking near a mirror. I was depressed, self-destructive, and just wanted to die.

Life has come a long way since then.

On December 12, 2016, I had top surgery. While I still want revisions, the relief I felt was enough to keep me alive, and, slowly, to allow me to start transforming other parts of my life contributing to my depression.

I started losing weight. I dropped 28 lb in the first year, and another 19 in the past 6 months. I've tried to exercise a little each day, and be more mindful of what and how much I eat.

I dropped clothing sizes, too. 8 inches off my waist size, and 2 shirt sizes. Today, I weighed myself at 244 lb, and wore a medium shirt for the first time since my late teens.

Ten months ago, I also moved. Arizona contained a lot of ghosts: Streets where the exes who had raped me lived, constant reminders of other abusers, threats in bathrooms, alcohol drowning my friends, and too many people who called me by a name that had never been mine. A room I could afford had opened up in Pennsylvania, and I took the leap. I piled my possessions in my car and drove.

It was one of the best decisions of my life.

Slowly, I learned to trust. I learned what it felt like to be safe in my home. I made friends. I built a family from them, a family unlike the one I left behind.

And then I took another leap. I started to mend things with my blood family. We're learning to trust each other, and that is a precious gift.

As I got more comfortable in my new surroundings, I worked up the courage to reach out to larger and larger communities, and I came alive. I'd had a community I felt safe in when I lived in Arizona, but it was surrounded by misery, and for the first time, I feel like a person rather than a statistic.

For the first time, I feel safe and whole, alive and happy.

For the first time, I love my life.


Spot of Wonder #3

I'm happier than I've ever been, and so grateful for my life and the people in it. I never thought I'd be so at peace and in love with every moment I live, but I wake up every day excited for the new morning. I didn't know that life could feel so full. I didn't know that I could still feel alive with motivation while happy and at peace. I don't want to escape anymore. I want to live.


Rainbow Hair

Rainbow hair through the years. It's that time of year again for me and I'm feeling the itch for color. Show me your favorite rainbow hair pictures!


Spot of Wonder #2

Coming out of a very rough patch of sad and death. Today I woke up with a smile and a sappy heart for the first time in about a week. So here's a mussy-haired, freshly awake me signing "I love you."

Because, of course, I do.


A Personal Note


Been a long, stressful week. Friends dying, setting boundaries with people, knee injury, emotional highs and lows. I'm drained, stressed, but alive, and alive is worth something. I'm taking it day by day, and trying to be kind to myself.

Optimism is a choice I make every day, and some days it's harder than others. But as much as I hurt, both emotionally and physically; as much as I feel like a walking wound right now, I refuse to give it up. I will not let my pain consume me. I will not lose hope.

I believe in good intentions, empathy, and understanding. It doesn't necessarily make actions okay, or keep people who have hurt me enough from being evicted from my life, but it allows me to keep walking without so much bitterness.

Most of all, though, I believe in hope. I once wrote, "Hope is the surest way to save a life," and that was true. I don't want to imagine a world without hope, even if I have to sew it together from small bits of nature or a single kind word.

I'm hurting, but alive, and I am grateful for that life. Today I choose optimism. Today, I hold onto hope. Today, I live.

Spot of Wonder #1


Today I found wonder in my cat's sleepy face, and the way he curled up with his toebeans on display. He keeps me sane, and sometimes, on dark days, he keeps me alive.

He's a good cat, too. He's trainable, will cuddle with me for 10 straight hours (I've timed it), and listens when I tell him no. He'll purr at the vet, never go to the bathroom outside the litterbox, and run to the door when I come home. He'll groom my hair, give me kisses, and burrow under my blankets.

My act of self-care today will be to take a little extra time to cuddle my cat and appreciate the joy he brings to my life. What will yours be?

Letter from the Founder #5


Hey you. I want you to know that your dreams matter, and your hopes for the future. Hope is the surest way to save a life, so find things to hope for.

What do you want to achieve? What is your private fantasy? What do you dream of, late at night, when you stop telling yourself it's impossible? Visualize it. Make it breathable. Then do something small toward it. Walk forward.

Walk forward. Who do you want to be, in this moment? Without your past, without your baggage, without your self-doubt, who do you want to be right now? Breathe in the dream. Breathe out the doubt. Walk forward.

Walk forward. What is the most beautiful place you've never been? How can you get there? What can you do right now toward that? One day at a time, build your dreams. Walk forward.

I love you.