Changes are coming to The Gayly Nerd, and some have already arrived!
New posts will be coming more frequently.
Love Letters have been moved to their own section.
Posts in general are being pruned.
A new Poetry section will be coming soon with both written and audio pieces.
Our Patreon, Twitter, and Tiktok are no longer active and their links have been removed.
Information on booking James for public speaking opportunities will be added soon.
I put out a new poem on Bandcamp today called Diagnosis: Pandemic. It's a bit of hope for a time of chaos, and it's pay what you will. I hope you enjoy.
This month has been a jarring study in contrasts. It feels like the world outside my living room is descending into chaos while my own life transforms in unexpectedly wholesome ways. Watching the world be wracked by pandemic reminded me that no tomorrow is ever guaranteed, and that's led to me pursuing goals I might have delayed in the past. Whatever happens, I want to know I stepped into my present with all of myself.
In doing so, I've opened the door to so many magical moments. I got engaged to a man I love deeply and who loves me with the same love and intensity. I've had the thrilling whirlwind of applying for a promotion at my workplace, and watching my career goals grow and progress, along with my confidence in myself and my own capabilities. I've kept a steady 4.0 at my college, and I won the first writing competition I've had the courage to enter since I was a child. Life is growing in magical, wonderful ways, and I can't help but wonder if I would have found this much joy if I hadn't looked mortality in the face through pandemic. In the darkest of times, I sought hope and joy and a future. And, more than anything, I sought to live true to myself and my goals.
How will you step into the present with your whole self today?
This past week has been a whirlwind. On April 11, I proposed to my partner. He said yes. Every ounce of my being has been radiating joy since that moment.
I feel so incredibly lucky to have him in my life. I didn't know it was possible to feel joy like this, or safety, or to have someone reciprocate all the sweet gestures that I make as a matter of course without treating it as a burden. I hadn't grown along with someone like I have with him before, in ways that made us both stronger and better and more confident people. We trust each other. We love each other. And we communicate.
I wrote all my feelings for him in a poem, and titled it Symbiosis. On Saturday, I shared it with him.
"I didn't understand symbiosis until I met you.
I had forgotten what a scale looked like when it was balanced,
how kindness returned can almost feel like floating.
I had never tasted safety until I kissed your lips,
never grew better for the growth I granted others.
Then there was you, and the way you looked at me.
The feel of your hand in mine, the thoughtful gifts:
Art for art, love for love. I grew stronger every smile,
started dreaming of your touch, started dreaming
of forever. I didn't know that I could love like that.
Love like a steady rock in a storm, like roots
growing intertwined, like fairy tales, only better,
because we talk through our fights and grow closer.
Love like holding each other up in rough seas of life,
because the world is sometimes stormy,
but our love is all sunlight. Love like vitality,
like a wash of warmth revitalizing my life,
like "I can do anything with you by my side."
Love like a ring glimpsed in a dream
of a future I am grabbing with all of my heart.
I didn't understand symbiosis until I met you.
Now I can't imagine life without you by my side.
All this a metaphor-heavy way to tell the story of
the four words pounding in my every heartbeat.
'Will you marry me?'"
As I read the last line, I dropped to one knee and pulled out a ring.
The moment he said yes ranks as one of the best moments of my life, but it wouldn't have been possible without the time and trust and love we'd built. I've been thinking a lot today about all the little moments we were there for each other, and how it feels to be confident in love. To be better for knowing and loving someone, just as they are for knowing and loving you. I've been thinking about how we could be confident in each other because we had the hard conversations, and we did our best to always do so in a way that made both of us feel safe while still being honest with each other.
I've been thinking about how love alone isn't enough, but love and effort and reciprocity, communication and trust and compatibility... all those things can build a home in someone else's heart. I'm glad I didn't settle for less than that joy.
This Sunday (March 15) is one of my favorite holidays, and it’s one you’ve probably never heard of. I invented it about a year ago, as part of a series of quarterly holidays. This will be my second Day of Blooms, and I’m excited.
So what is the Day of Blooms? How do you celebrate it? There are three parts to that celebration.
Part one is serving nature. Whether you pick up trash at a park, plant a tree or garden, volunteer for an ecological cause, or something entirely different, do something on March 15 to make the Earth a better place to be.
Part two is to look back over the last two months and make a list of joys and successes. What positive decisions have you made? How have you grown? What are you most proud of yourself for? Big or small, write down those moments that lift you up.
Part three is goal setting. You looked back for joys and successes. Notice the themes in the things that raised you high, and look forward into the next three months to set your goals. What do you want to achieve? How can you get there? What can you do today to start toward those goals? Big or small, envision some things for the future.
Then make them bloom.
Do you have any personal holidays you celebrate? Share them below, and let me know if you decide to celebrate the Day of Blooms as well!
I turned thirty on the 30th, and I'm excited. Maybe not the normal reaction, but I've always loved the symbolism of new decades. There's so much opportunity inherent in the beginning of something, whether the beginning of a year, a decade, or a journey.
While the future is never predictable and always open to change, here are a few things I want to pursue in my next decade of life, both big and small:
Researching trauma. Recently, I located a research opportunity that I plan to apply for. If I'm accepted, I'll be doing research on trauma in veterans.
Graduating with my four-year degree. I am currently studying for a degree in Nonprofit Management.
Living internationally. Right now, my dream destination is the Netherlands.
Building a piece of furniture. There's a deck chair I've been wanting to build for a while now.
Work with folks with complex trauma. I've found a calling in the work I do at a complex trauma shelter in my area, and I want to continue that for the foreseeable future.
Honor my relationships. I place a lot of value on the people in my life, and I want to continue to grow those relationships that matter most to me.
What are some of your goals in the present? What are some you're working toward over time?