I've noticed in the last few months, even as I've undergone some very real trauma at times, that my confidence in my own self-worth has not wavered. For me, this was a revelation. I spent much of my life struggling with severe flashbacks, anxiety, and depression, and I couldn't summon a clear sense of who I was, let alone love that person. To be at a place where not only could I have a strong personal identity but also a powerful love for myself is something that I could barely imagine in the past.
I've spent a lot of time pondering how I went from there to here, and one thing in particular stood out to me: self love as practice.
Self love is a skill. Like any skill, though, it requires practice to master and practice to retain. That is good news, though, because even if it's hard to get there, it can be learned. It is not beyond your reach.
When I was a child, I made sacred a belief that every day was a fresh start. I believe that any moment can be a fresh start now, but sunrises will always have a special significance to me.
On the darkest days, my brain heard all kindness as mockery, even from myself. Those were the days I would go to bed early, seeking the next sunrise. Clinging to that bit of light kept me alive.
I still kept trying. It was slow going at first. I overanalyzed every kind thought and kind word. I could leech all the joy from it within a matter of minutes. But I felt that joy for a few minutes.
Wake up, try again. Another kind word, or even just a neutral one. The joy lasted a little longer. Sleep, wake. A new day.
There were set-backs, of course. There were the bleak days, and the days the loathing returned. I'd spent so long being treated as less than human. It's hard for that not to take root, and even flourish. It definitely doesn't go away overnight. But gradually, sunrise by sunrise, they happened less often.
Gradually, sunrise by sunrise, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, confidence became a more frequent companion. Eventually the days where I loved myself even began to outnumber the days where I didn't. Then they became the norm.
If you remember only one thing from this, remember this: Every second of that struggle was worth it.
I shouldn't have had to face that struggle. No one should. But every second I fought for myself, every second I fought for self-worth, self-love, and self-acceptance was worth it. Every fall and setback, to sit here, knowing I do deserve to exist and find joy... That was worth the pain. I can't imagine what life would have been like if I hadn't faced decades of trauma, but the past is the past. I am not there any more. I am safe. And I know my own worth.
And you can learn yours.
